March 6 3:23 PM
“Your words the other day about feeling like you’re drowning and feeling the lowest you’ve ever been really hit me. I’ve been there, feeling trapped and like there’s no way out. It’s a horrible way to live. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.”
March 6 6:25 PM
C- Is it ok to PM you? Thank you for saying this!
L- It’s absolutely fine to PM me. In fact, I apologize if I caused you any issue by sending the note.
C-Oh no!!!!!!!!!!! It’s ok to contact me 24/7
L- Good. Me too.
C- I’m at dinner right now. I’ll hit you up later tater!!
That’s how we began. I reached out to him. It was a pretty bold move and one that I felt compelled to make. It was risky, but I needed him to know that I’ve walked in those shoes he’s wearing. I’ve felt trapped and isolated and so alone in this crazy, dysfunctional marriage. It was friendship I was seeking. I smile when I realize how far from that we’ve come. Did I mention that his name is Charlie?
March 6 8:39 PM
C- You don’t have to accept
L- Accept what?
C-I sent a Friend request, I never do that to strangers but my gut said it was Ok
L- I saw and I just accepted. I’m not that strange lol
C- hahahaha I am!!
C- My boss lives in your town. Our office is in Hanover. I live in NY area
L- Seriously? Small world. What do you do that involves travelling so much?
C- Live TV. Sports mostly. Lots of gold and car racing. A lot of our people live near you. Golf. I have zero gold haha
L- Oh wow that sounds interesting. Where are you off to next?
C- Phoenix on Wednesday. It’s been a slow start this year. We have had lots of cut backs. Normally I would not be home right now
We texted back and forth that day and the days to come. We compared notes on our crazy spouses, our stories of abuse, our kids and our dreams. He asked me so many questions and often apologized for asking. I didn’t mind the questions but always found it funny that he apologized but then kept asking more! It was a long time since someone took such an interest in ME. Not my kids, not my spouse, but ME. He was interesting, funny, sensitive and strangely familiar. Any question he asked, I answered. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t craft my answers carefully. I let my guard down. I was open. I was authentic. For the first time in decades, maybe even ever in my life, I was really, truly me. What was it about him that made me feel so comfortable and safe? I can’t explain it. I just know it felt so good. I loved hearing the little ding my phone makes to let me know I have a message. Like Pavlov’s dog, I reacted with all my soul each time to see what he wrote.
As the days moved on, we talked less about our marital situations and more about each other. He began one day sending questions like – Trump or Sanders? Favorite movie? Favorite Ice cream? From the trivial to politics to religion we shared the same views. It was actually a little eerie how similar we were. I thought at first, he must be joking! He must be lying about his likes and dislikes so I feel closer to him. I still played the game. I still answered honestly. Then he asked, “are you saying you like all the things I do to humor me?” Again, we were both thinking the same thing. It was really uncanny. At one point we both laughed and I told him, “You’re just like me only with a penis” He laughed and laughed and so did I. It was funny and very true.
C-“You may be the female version of me hahaha”
C-“You look younger and that’s what really matters”
C-“You’re supposed to say no you look young and handsome hahaha”
L-“You do look young and handsome”
C-“I fished for that huh”
L-“haha, but I don’t lie”
C-“You should know dimples are my kryptonite!!!!”
L-“Aww you’re sweet”
C-“Are we flirting? I do declare I think we are. My heavens”
L-“Guilty as charged”
As soon as that last word was typed, I said out loud “UGH, here I go again!” As much as it was exciting it was the last thing I wanted or expected. We had only been talking for a couple of days. I really had intended for this to be a strictly platonic thing. No flirting. Just friends. He was young! He was 10 YEARS younger! When I was 10 he was BORN! I could have been his babysitter! When I was 17 he was 7! My brain went into overdrive. He’s been with younger women. What the heck is he flirting with an old woman like me for? He told me I don’t look my age. Honestly, I thought I did look pretty good for almost 50, but I didn’t look under 40. UGH. That’s all I could say. UGH. With my brain still spinning I realized I was blushing. I had that tingly feeling. That feeling you get when you meet someone new. Like I felt when I was in school and I realized a boy liked me. But suddenly I also felt so self-conscious. I was taking better care of myself now and had finally begun to find myself again but I was in no way in the mindset or physical shape to have a relationship with someone. My self-confidence was WAY below where it needed to be. How could I let this happen? Too late now. I can’t prevent it from continuing. I like this guy. A lot. There’s something here that keeps pulling me in. I love chatting with him….and it’s all been texting. I have no idea what his voice even sounds like. This is probably the strangest thing yet to happen to me and it’s totally captivating.
C- Maybe this week while I’m gone we can talk on the phone
L- Oh, that would be great!! I wonder what your voice sounds like
C- Well, I was at the Verizon store and the girl said if she closed her eyes she would swear I as Matthew McConaughey. The ladies up here seem to like it.
L- That is cool. I like southern. I’ve been told I would have been a very good phone sex operator.
C- Oh I can’t wait!!! I’m gonna call you one day.
L- You should! It would be great to talk and not have to type. I look forward to it.
He called. I was surprised. His voice was just as he described. He was funny and so charming. I laughed so much…more than I had laughed in a very long time. It was easier to talk to him than to write and writing had been so easy. In so many ways, I felt like I had known him for forever.
That first week flew by and before I knew it, he was flying to Phoenix to work. He texted from the airport and we spoke on the phone before he left. The five hour flight was the longest we had gone without texting or speaking to each other. I was so happy to get a text from him when he landed. I was in deep at this point and sinking fast….but loving every minute.
We had great conversations that week and got to know each other more. I relaxed a bit. We sent pictures back and forth. I felt more and more confident in my appearance. He told me over and over again how pretty I was. I believed him. Something about the way he spoke to me made me always feel like he was being genuine. I never felt like he was saying things just to be nice. I never felt like it was a come on.
He wanted to call me and talk to me during my morning walks. With him in a different time zone that meant he had to wake up in the middle of the night to talk. He wanted to do this. I thought he was crazy but he insisted. So, I walked with him beside me (sort of). Every conversation brought new insight into who this man really was. The more I learned about him, the more I liked. A lot. We could talk for hours and hours on the phone and the time seemed to fly. I don’t think I’ve ever talked on the phone as much in my life.
I soon discovered that I was falling in love with him. It was while he was away in Phoenix. When he travels he’s alone – no disruption from his wife, no distractions from his boys. And although I know it kills him to miss his boys, I love having him all to myself. I know that’s selfish.
It’s an unusual feeling to be loved the way that Charlie loves. He’s the mirror image of me in so many, many ways. He’s giving. He’s open. He’s real. And in the short time I’ve known him, he’s shown me that he will go out of his way for me-like waking up early to call me. There’s never a lack of conversation. We talk about the day when we can finally meet each other and see each other face to face. Simple things like facial expressions and body language we have yet to become accustomed to. Although we have video chatted a few times, there’s nothing like being in the same room. We talk about what it would be like to hug one another. Charlie was happy to know that I’m only 5’2″. He’s just a few inches taller than me. I’ve never kissed anyone without having to stand on my tip toes. How cool would that be to just wrap my arms around him and kiss!! We talked about the importance of a kiss. How intimate a kiss is and how under-rated kissing has become. He said “A kiss is your lover’s fingerprint”. I thought that was beautiful and asked where he read it. He said he made it up. WOW! This man is amazing. We laugh. I giggle. He listens with compassion and understanding. I feel like there’s nothing I can tell him that he won’t accept openly. It’s a wonderful thing to know that I don’t have to filter my thoughts or my words. I’ve never been able to do that before.
I wanted to wait to tell him that I was falling in love with him. I didn’t want to text it and I didn’t want to say it over the phone. I wanted to look him in the eyes and tell him so he could see my sincerity. One night we were texting back and forth and the conversation turned a little serious. We were telling each other how much we cared and appreciated the other. Before I knew what came over me, I was spelling out the words and hit send. I quickly followed up with something like, I hope this doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable. The seconds dragged on and on and I started kicking myself for fear that I had said too much. Finally a reply from him….”it’s funny you said that because I almost said the same thing earlier” Let’s not say anything else until we can hear the words. OMG, I was so relieved! Not only was he ok with me telling him and didn’t feel pressured, but he also felt the same way! I was flying so high and felt like this must all be a dream.
The next morning, I called him when I took my walk. I said something like, I love your voice in the morning. And he said I love you. My heart stopped and my whole body stopped in it’s tracks. Those three words were coming from this incredible, wonderful man. I was overjoyed. I felt so alive.
L-How close are you?
C- 6 miles away
He was on his way to meet me here at my house. MY house. HERE. We had only just decided yesterday that he would visit. I had less than 24 hours to mentally prepare myself for this. I was overjoyed and scared shitless at the same time. What if that chemistry we had over the phone didn’t exist in person? What if he thought I was a lousy kisser? What if he thinks I’m too fat or not pretty enough? So many scenarios and scary thoughts yet I still couldn’t wait to meet this wonderful man in person. To see him, touch him actually watch his face as he talked to me and smiled at me was exciting me more than I was frightened.
And now he was 6 miles away. I quickly checked my face in the mirror. I thought I looked ok. My heart was racing and my cheeks were flushed. I grabbed a quick drink of water. Ok, here we go. I heard a car pull up in front. It was his car. I thought my knees would buckle and my entire body began to shake a little. This was insane! The doorbell rang. There he was. I smiled, he smiled. He came into the foyer and we embraced. Instantly all the fear washed away. It was so incredible to actually feel his arms around me. We hugged so tightly and I think I said a million times how good it was to see him finally. Finally – a funny word even though it had only been a few weeks since we met. It felt like I knew him forever. Our first kiss was amazing. There was no awkward moment. He kissed me as if he had kissed me a million times before. Our lips meshed perfectly together and it wasn’t long before I felt his tongue dance with mine. The heat between us was intoxicating. We stayed in the foyer just feet from the front door for at least 20 minutes. We kissed and kissed. Occasionally we would stop kissing and just stare into each other’s eyes. His striking blue eyes looked at me and thru me. He made my knees feel weak. It had been so long since I felt this way and truthfully I never expected to feel this way again. I felt his hands on my body and it was obvious that he wanted me. I wanted him too. We said I love you over and over again. I felt so alive.
We made our way upstairs. I quickly showed him around, skipping past the master bedroom. I didn’t want to be there with him. I only wanted to feel positive energy with him. We went to the guest room and sat on the bed. Before I knew it we were laying side by side. The feeling was indescribable. I had never been touched like he was touching me. His eyes looked at me like he was looking right thru to my soul. I was so aroused and wanted to know what it felt like to make love with this man. Clothes began coming off. My shirt. My bra. My skin was against his skin. It was heaven. I felt him trying to undo my pants and I suddenly stopped. Suddenly I remembered my body….my weight. OMG, I can’t do this! I can’t let him see me like this. The words came tumbling out of my mouth before I knew it – Charlie, I still have so much more weight to lose!! He stopped and looked at me with those eyes. He said, Laurie we all have insecurities. You’re safe here. Those words made me instantly feel calm. I trusted this man with my whole being. No reservations. He loved me. I really believed he did. I fell deeper for him in that moment. I bared my body to him and I bared my soul as well. I was completely vulnerable to him and with that vulnerability came the most amazing, most fulfilling love making of my life.
I had loved many times in my life. I had had sex and made love many more times in my life. This time there was a difference. This time, there were no walls. This time I gave my whole self to him and reciprocally, I felt him give all of himself to me. I quickly discovered that with this reciprocity came an exchange of energy and love I had never before experienced. Mind blowing. Life altering. Love at its very purest and most beautiful form. Now that I have had this, I don’t ever want it to end.
We stayed in bed, arms and legs wrapped around each other. He touched me with the lightest yet most deliberate touch. My entire body tingled. We orgasmed together. We laughed. We talked. We were a perfect match for each other.
He decided to check his phone. His wife had texted and called while his phone was off. He needed to call her back. This is our reality. I told him I understood if he wanted privacy. He said no. I thought that was interesting. As he talked to her, I could clearly hear her voice. She was yelling at him. She was so nasty. I felt bad for him but wasn’t surprised as he had given me a pretty clear picture of what she was all about. I realized that I didn’t feel guilty. Not a pang of guilt that I had just made love to a man who was now on the phone with his wife. That was an interesting revelation for me. No guilt that this man was naked in my house either. Had I lost all sense of what was right? Or was this so right that the fact that we were married seemed insignificant by comparison?
C- I was in your house! You were in a dangerous spot. What if I was crazy? You really took a chance on me baby
L- But you’re not crazy! I trusted you! I absolutely went with what my soul was telling me.
C- Duh, but what I am saying is I appreciate that about you. It’s my man brain. It’s huge to me and was one more thing to make me fall deeper for you. It’s hard to explain.
L-Ohhh I thought you were chastising me for letting you in my house and trusting you.
C- Nooooooo I honor you
L- Charlie, I can’t explain why I trusted you like I did from the beginning. I did. Completely. I’ve never in my life felt this way. Never.
C- It’s by design. My heart is hurting right now without you.
L- This is unprecedented for me. Head spinning.
C- I want to see you so bad. It’s a good hurt.
Our selfish heart are one
Our selfish kiss are one
Our selfish touch are one
We vibrate in harmony with nature
Like the waves vibrate with the sea
Like the clouds vibrate with the air
Like the trees vibrate with the earth
Like the sun vibrates with the soul
We are one
We are passion
We are two universes vibrating as one
You are my muse baby. I hope you like my little poem about my love for you. I miss you tonight. My heart is a little lost without you. Sweet dreams my love
April 6 1:45 AM
L- OMG it’s beautiful! You are beautiful. You are my forever love Charlie.
L- You’re awake!
C- I’m glad you like it
L- I’m in tears it’s so perfect
C- I was waiting on you. You always get up around this time.
L- You knew I’d be up. You know me so well
C- You are my muse.
L- I will keep your poem forever.
C- You are making me very happy. I will handwrite for you. I will give it to you the next time I see you.
L- OMG I would love that
C- Goodnight love. I love you
L- Sweet dreams. I love you
He wrote me a poem. A poem! No one, ever in my life has ever done that. It was such a beautiful gift. Such a beautiful expression of his love. I was speechless. I was accustomed to giving and doing nice things. That’s the way I love. I’m not accustomed to receiving such things though. I keep thinking that I don’t deserve this man. I keep thinking that this all must be part of some beautiful dream.